As the years roll by...

Yes, I know I said there were a number of things I wanted to post about - and then never got back to it!
January is a busy time in this household - I turned mmmfffht recently, we have our wedding anniversary and N a birthday too. That's in amongst various other family dates in Jan, catching up with friends and then before you know it I've realised it's almost 'Back To School' time and I haven't even started lesson planning!

But today is a good one - it's our 16th wedding anniversary.
We were engaged for two years while I finished studying and went out for 2 years before we got engaged so all up we've been together for 20 years. I've now reached the tipping point where I've actually spent more of my life with P than without him.

There have been a few people who have said - who wished the other a Happy Anniversary first, who dropped the ball, oohh better have a good evening planned to make up etc.
In actual fact it was a mutual "Happy Anniversary" around 2:30am this morning as we dealt with a petrified T who thought he'd seen lightning!

P gets up before me so he got to FaceBook first - he also braved the severe weather warnings and went out to get some nice muffins for breakfast. I've got a nice dinner planned.

But, it doesn't matter who wishes who a Happy Anniversary first, what we have planned or how we mark it to a certain extent. We often look back on the anniversary we spent in the children's ward with W who had managed to open a bottle and take some of my arthritis meds. How he did it I still don't know because he was 18 months old and by age 4 he was still learning how to open screw top bottles in OT!

Instead of a nice dinner, maybe some wine and a relaxed evening together we wound up eating fish and chips and watching our kid closely in a hospital cot. He went home and I stayed in with W. Then when we got home he took over and I got a rest.

And that's how we work.
It's not a competition - who does something first, remembers the best, provides the best present (although not galvanizing the kids to make me a birthday card this year was a disappointment I have to admit!).
We work as a team.
We back each other up. Often the division seems arbitrary and traditional - I do the house and kid stuff and he earns the money, he worries about the business and I do the health research.

But we keep each other informed, we make decisions together. Usually emails/letters to doctors are written together. When dealing with screaming refluxing babies we tag-teamed - one taking one feed and the 4 hour stint on the couch while the other slept and then switching over.
When trying to ignore the kids' difficult eating as small children we'd tag-team, recognising when it was driving the other to distraction and letting them just leave the room while the other stayed - cool, calm and collected.
When one kid is blowing a gasket we will tag-team dealing with the tantrum and ensuing calm down period.
The team work is such that the kids have never managed to play one off against the other - no mean feat over 3 kids and 13.5 years!
Sadly - these days we can anticipate each others' response to a kid's request and we will often reply in exactly the same words at exactly the same time!

Over the 20 years we have grown and worked together as a team more and more deeply. We regard ourselves as a team and I'm sure that's why things have worked so well despite the curve balls thrown at us along the way.

Communication has been and is the vital key for us - even if we do sometimes resort to sending each other emails despite P working from home!

Even from early on we had some battles to come to grips with - my arthritis diagnosis 3 months into the marriage, the conflicts thrown at us by our differing churches - but we've worked together, talked together, celebrated and cried together.

The stats for marriage break-up in Special Needs families are incredibly high, as are those for families touched by prematurity. Combine the two and you get a rate of around 75 - 80%. Rates for families with an ADHD kids are also high as they are so high maintenance and draining. Much of that comes from one of the partnership being left to do most of the work - or the flip side - one partner being left out of the picture.
P might not be able to remember the kids' birthdates but he can clean a gastrostomy tube, hook T up to a feed, remember which meds belong to which child (without checking the label to cheat! but he knows to check too). He knows the names of the specialists and comes to the appointments.

Yes, we've had our moments, times when things haven't worked, our fights (although few and far between) but those have been pushed through because of our well established communication. There are no taboo subjects although plenty of 'in jokes'.

We are a team, a unit and together our skills complement each other.
It's hard work but good work.
I'm so grateful to be walking this road with P beside me - it'd be incredibly hard otherwise!
I'm actually grateful for the skills and benefits we've gained through necessity too - because they give other benefits to us as a couple.
Together, as a couple, we can conquer anything!

So - the past 20 years have been a roller-coaster but one I wouldn't have missed for the world - so roll on the next 20!