Parenting - art or science, practice or theory??

I've had an interesting weekend.
A number of things have coincided and lead to this post.

I have a FaceBook friend with views and outlooks very different to my own. I often don't agree with the outlooks she has but do try to find the time to read her links and ponder on the other perspective. Our parenting experiences are very different and I think that's largely part of the difference. But no one knows what they'd do if their lives were different - until they are.

I also have a sister and sister-in-law pregnant for the first time and had an interesting discussion with my sister-in-law on the weekend about some of her plans for when her babies are born (she's expecting twins).

There was also an interesting article I read recently about the competitive nature of parenting.

I think that, because the boys are older, some of my thoughts and approaches to do with newborns are perhaps a little more jaundiced, battle weary, and covered by the haze of time and fatigue! But I also like to think that they have also been forced into practicality by experience.

But as I say I try to ponder the other views when I can - perhaps in the dreaded jargon of my teacher training - being a reflective parent.

There is a lot said about theories, ideals, shoulds and should nots - a lot of which are rooted in philosophy, medical science, society, comparing and judging or not judging other parents for their choices. And then there's a lot said about the reaction to those differences, people's sensitivity to criticism or judgement - perceived or real.

How many of us plan to be a certain type of parent? When that test comes out positive how many of us reach for the guide books and decide this is the kind of parent I'm going to be, this is how my children are going to be, sleep, feed, play?

I know, in my case I didn't think so much about a theory of parenting as daydream about what my child might grow up to be, what they might look like. Later the practicalities of getting things ready became higher up the list.

I did make plans on the use of dummies, cloth or disposable nappies, did have brief conversations with P about where the baby would sleep but at least some of those plans were made on past history - this is what we expected and so why vary it.

What happens to those plans when life has other plans? Is parenting an art or a science? Does it follow a theory or is it a more fluid practice? How do you cope if your plans are thrown out the window by actual situation and how do you then re-model yourself as a parent with your current situation.

I do wonder whether some of the increasing incidence of Postnatal Depression can be due to this tendency to plan, to think out an approach to parenting before you even have the baby, to have an underpinning philosophy that you will not vary because to do so in any way will betray your carefully researched principles.

Just in the way mothers who have a hard and fast birth plan which they are adamant they will not be deviating from and then all hell breaks loose, you wind up with the complete opposite and then the mother is devastated, feels cheated and betrayed - possibly by the doctors, by the baby even but largely by their own body, that they "couldn't even do this right", those who have a hard and fast theory of how they are going to parent have come up with this minus the most important factor - the other partner in the relationship - the child.

There are so many contentious issues in parenting and even those who are not parents will hold a view and opinion - from the way you give birth, to how you feed, sleep, nappy a baby, respond to their needs.

When these things are discussed it can become very heated and result in people being very upset.

There is definitely the competitive edge to some of these theories of parenting - who does the most with their kids, who holds them the most, is most responsive (always a matter that is only in the eye of the beholder in every case other than the obviously abusive), whose kids are the most advanced and is this because they were nurtured in a particular way, feed in a particular way, slept in a particular way - obviously if my kids are bigger, brighter, stronger, faster then I'm the better parent. That's the competitive approach.

But there is a core, underpinning factor when it comes to discussions of parenting techniques and really WHY people get so heated. People say if you are secure in your choices, your approaches then why get upset? If you are then you can't be secure.
But the thing is - parenting, I think for any parent but particularly for mothers and possibly even more so for stay-at-home mothers - is an intrinsic part of who we are and what we do.

Just as it's a known phenomenon that men, suddenly made redundant have a lot of difficulties because their sense of self, self-worth and where they sit in the world is associated with their occupation and being good at it; so it is with parenting - we pour so much of ourselves into it, it is who we are, what we do and why we do it. We talk about Our Kids, they are our future and of course we love them madly and deeply. How can we not have ourselves fully invested in them? If we don't then does that make us a bad parent?

And in return your child is fully invested in you - to the world you may be one little person but to one little person you are the world!

And so how can parenting discussions not affect you? It's nothing to do with your security in your choices but everything to do with the natural search to be the best parent you can become. It's why I try to read, think, widen my point of view beyond my specific parenting technique, see what perhaps I can tweak, change, adapt, learn from others. But when these things are presented as absolutes, if you don't then you aren't doing the best for your child, you could harm your child if you don't do as I do etc. then that self image, self worth - and the defense mechanism to say of course you are a good parent so I'd better not listen to this - kicks in.

These issues can be as varied as honouring the child's need to cry because they are feeling violated because you are changing their nappy, how you deal with a tantrum or how you feed your infant. I can raise my eyebrows and think to myself 'Nice theory, love to see how long that lasts in practice' when someone tells me of asking their infant's permission to change their nappy and waiting until they get a sense of it being okay with them. When it comes to being told that formula is poison and that you are harming, damaging and poisoning your child by feeding them that, that you can't bond properly if you don't breastfeed or hold your baby as soon as they were born etc then I get upset.

I am upset not because I am insecure in my choices, but because these are more extreme views, views which not not even attempt to consider the vast range of parenting experiences and which, because they do not acknowledge other's realities, devalue others just because they are not the same.

Formula is not poison. You can bond just as well with your infant over a bottle as a breast. And all is not lost if you cannot do skin to skin or even touch your newborn.

For myself I see my parenting as a fluid thing, an art and a practice.

I would not presume to say I've got this parenting thing taped now after 12 years.
I know that every day can throw me another curve ball, another new experience.
I know that every day is the first time I have had to parent a 12 yr and however many days old child.

I was taught the lesson that each child and their needs and their needed parenting is very different very clearly when I had N. Yes, I was more confident in handling a newborn, yes I knew more basics - but N taught me that he was not W and when responded to the same way this wouldn't necessarily fill his needs.

The philosophy of how much you intervene in children's games and fights has been adapted from what I thought and read - my boys, due to their needs need much more hands on intervention to prevent injuries.

The cry-it-out or not situation has been shaped by needs at the time and the state of the child at the time.

Some approaches or 'rules' for lack of a better word that I have developed have been adapted and melded by my parenting experiences. No I never wanted or planned to cause my children pain but we all wind up holding them down against their will for some things at some stage. Through our experiences I've adapted from the help hold them down for immunisations to a point where now - if they can't bring in extra staff such as for a blood test then I'll help but when a procedure or test is going to be upsetting for the child or painful then I'm not getting involved and will only be present for the child's reassurance - Mummy is there for comfort, although in some circumstances the child may feel that bringing them to that point is betrayal enough. If that's the case then I didn't do a good enough job explaining WHY they need to go through this.

I never planned to homeschool but that's where we're at due to circumstances with the children. I also planned to be thinking about a future career, re-training or doing a refresher course and going back to work part time by this point. But we have come to the dawning realisation that our particular children are always going to have higher needs - our current crises may not be what we take forward into the future but there will always be other needs rising up and needing higher levels of parental involvement than other children. I could be kicking against this reality, frustrated with the hand we've been dealt, the fact that we will probably always be struggling, that I may well never have a formalised career or recognised job.
But that doesn't help the kids - my job is raising our children to the best they can be and if our reality needs more than others then so be it.

My parenting, my plans, my approaches are fluid and adaptable. They have to be to adapt to my particular version of reality.
Hard and fast plans usually lead to pain, upset and disappointment. Don't plan it if you can't handle the possibility of it all changing on you.

But also constantly recognise that my reality, my parenting and each individual child of mine is different to the parallel universe of your reality, your parenting and your children.

Different is not bad, it's not failing the child or hurting them and we all need to remember that growing this child to an adult ready to step up and take their place in society is a central, core, emotive and heart strings kind of thing.

You have to invest yourself - and so naturally conflicting viewpoints are going to cut as well. It's not a matter of insecurity, having made true choices and so not feeling guilt or whatever, those are 'excuses' offered by those who struggle to see a reality beyond their own for whatever reason, but that a good parent is one who is one who looks, thinks, ponders options and as a result wonders is what I am doing the best I can and takes things to heart.